I went to the hospital and the doctors poked, and prodded, ran test, and made me wait while I held onto my stomach asking God not to take my blessing, my great reward. When the doctor came back there were no smiles, no ultrasound picture, and no congratulations. The just told me they had to do surgery to remove the pregnancy because it was in my tubes. Being uneducated about my body I didn't know what to ask or understand why this was happening. So the week of
Mothers Day 1994 they took my baby out my tube, fixed me up, and sent me home.
As a little girls they give us baby dolls to play with. We give them names and we treat them like real babies. As we got older we start watching television shows displaying young woman fantasizing about being a mothers when they grow up. As we get older all the programmed memories of doll babies and tv fantasies of becoming a mother start to become our reality. We start to spend hours daydreaming about getting married and becoming a mother one day. We pick out baby names and decide whether we prefer to have a boy or a girl. We begin to imagine if they will look like us and how much we will love them.
Well that girl use to be me. My whole life all I could imagine was how great a wife and a mother I would be. I even remember being a young girl and hearing in church this particular scripture; Psalms 127:3 NKJV: “Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward.”
As I become a woman in the world I started to date and become sexually active. While I was enjoying life without a care in the world I meet a guy. I thought I was so in love. I knew he was the one. After being in what I thought was a monogamous I became pregnant. I was so overjoyed and I told everyone! As the days passed I started to feel changes in my body! I was excited because I knew it was my baby I had fantasizes about all my life. But based on the books it was to early to feel anything. My joy soon turned into fear and my fear turned into pain. My cousin encouraged me to go to the hospital because it didn't sound normal.
As life moved on I did too but I always felt broken when it came to what happened. In the early 2000's I found myself in a relationship with a man that I cared deeply for. Our relationship was new and we never talked about having a baby or even a definite future. Unplanned and very unexpected I became pregnant. Because of my previous experience I refused to get excited but it was hard not to, I was hoping God was giving me another chance. So to be on the safe side I went to the doctor so they could examine me. They did an ultrasound and didn't see anything. They did blood work and it confirmed my pregnancy but it wasn't a vital one. So the doctor dissolved the pregnancy but it was too late because my tube had began to rupture so an emergency surgery was scheduled. When it was all said and done I was left with feeling incomplete as a woman again. Post-surgery I had to do testing and follow with my doctor to see why this happened again. What the testing revealed was that my previous surgery and other factors left a lot of scaring which caused me to have another ectopic pregnancy. This was devastating to me. My Womb was broken!
As the years passed my heart never healed from the lost. I still really didn't know what went wrong. I found myself questioning whether I would ever be blessed with a child of my own. I asked God was He punishing me. With no response or understanding about what went wrong I just lived with the pain everyday.
As life moved on I did too but I always felt broken when it came to what happened. In the early 2000's I found myself in a relationship with a man that I cared deeply for. Our relationship was new and we never talked about having a baby or even a definite future. Unplanned and very unexpected I became pregnant. Because of my previous experience I refused to get excited but it was hard not to, I was hoping God was giving me another chance. So to be on the safe side I went to the doctor so they could examine me. They did an ultrasound and didn't see anything. They did blood work and it confirmed my pregnancy but it wasn't a vital one. So the doctor dissolved the pregnancy but it was too late because my tube had began to reputure so an emergency surgery was scheduled. When it was all said and done I was left with feeling incomplete as a woman again. Post-surgery I had to do testing and follow with my doctor to see why this happened again. What the testing revealed was that my previous surgery and other factors left a lot of scaring which caused me to have another eptopic pregnancy. This was devastating to me. My Womb was broken!
For years I felt ashamed in Gods eyes, angry, and hopeless. The devastation caused me to believe that I was less of a woman and that a man would never want to marry a woman that couldn't have children.
Well I would like to say I got married and had a miracle baby and my childhood fantasies came to fruition but it didn't workout exactly like that. But what did happen was even better!! I found God! I got into relationship with Him and he took my shame away. In My Broken Womb I found healing, I found Jesus. No longer did I feel incomplete. As I learned to focus on His Word and not the Word of man I found comfort and peace. In Psalms 113:9 NLT the word spoke directly to me and said ; “He gives the childless woman a family, making her a happy mother. Praise the LORD!” I held onto that Word for a long time. It was my promise God made to me. As I trusted in His Word and leaned on it I became whole again.
As I continues prayed for a family one day, God heard me. He sent a Man of God with sons of his own. As our love for one another grew He asked me to marry him. When I accepted his proposal for marriage I finally received my Psalms 113:9 family.
So today I share myTestimony to encourage someone whose Womb feels Broken. Give your brokenness to the Lord. When we try to do life without God it is so much harder. For me, once I gave it all to Him, In My Broken Womb God gave me a new life He gave me His Word!